


five stages of grief/love

by cocomoraine



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Romance, Tragic Romance, Valoris, author is horrible at tagging, trigger warning for, unbeta-ed because i don't want to be a bother, yep i want to hurt them more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-18 21:26:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19342957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cocomoraine/pseuds/cocomoraine
Summary: They have been grieving since the day they met.





	five stages of grief/love

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Again, this concerns the HBO characters. No disrespect intended to their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. Unbeta-ed because I want to live while I'm young. sksksks. No, kidding aside, I don't want to bother them with trashy work, so, all mistakes are mine.
> 
>  
> 
> Look who was supposed to study, but wrote a fic instead. This gurl.

**Denial**

 

Boris Shcherbina is a smart man. He is not into his position now if he didn’t have a brain that can keep up with everything that is happening inside the Soviet Union.

 

Valery Legasov is a smart man. It is part of the job. Basically, a number one requirement of being a scientist.

 

So when two smart men meet, it can only go in two ways:

 

They find an affinity for one another, or.

They hate one another for each other’s own intelligence.

 

They both _hated_ one another the moment Gorbachev asked Shcherbina to take Legasov with him to Chernobyl. That man is the physical manifestation of both his folly and ineptitude.

 

They also hated one another the moment Shcherbina threatened to throw Legasov off the helicopter.

 

They denied that they are now stuck in the midst of the disaster Chernobyl has become.

 

What would they both give to proven wrong about the scale of the accident? For Valery, probably his mind; Boris, his ego.

 

_“15000 Roentgen.”_

 

_They can only close their eyes._

  


**Anger**

 

Dealing with a supposed to be a minor accident, which turned out to be more of a catastrophic than what people seem to assume, is not as easy as it seems.

 

But Boris Shcherbina needs to rise to the occasion. His ego is now trampled the moment the military dosimeter told them that they are now exposed to radiation so high enough, it cut off a significant amount of years to their lives.

 

“At least evacuate Pripyat.”

 

“This will go so much easier if you talk to me about things you DO understand and DO NOT talk to me about things you do not understand.” _First shot._

 

Valery Legasov is mad, on the world, to the plant officials, to Boris Shcherbina, on the Party, for making this difficult. Why are they even making this so hard? There are lives of people on the line.

 

Both of them are angry, angry for being wrong. Angry for being denied. There is no outlet but one another, even if they didn’t mean to.

 

“We’ll be dead in five years!” _Second shot._

 

Both of them knew, eventually, that in order to save Chernobyl, or at least fix it, they must control the anger.

 

Because what they both realized after spending the night together, walking, talking, _arguing_ , trying to piece together whatever is happening around them, is that they are angry at the same thing.

 

_The world._

  


**Bargaining**

 

To live within a tragedy is something Valery Legasov thought would never happen to him. Science is a precise way of deriving answers from the universe, there is no room for theatrics, drama, abstract.

 

Yet sometimes, he feels as if he is living inside a drama. And the terrifying thought is that it is all real.

 

“It’s the beginning of an end.”

 

Bargaining. They are trying to bargain their way through the events that have already unfolded. They are trying to survive, slowly, even if the radiation is still killing them. He sometimes wonders how all of the other soldiers take it. He wonders how Pikalov lives with it. He wonders what Tarakanov thinks of it all. He wonders how Boris goes on with it.

 

_Boris._

 

Since when did he become Boris inside his head?

 

Maybe since the moment he called him,  _Valera._ Or maybe it is because of the way he looks at him when there is no one around.

 

They are trying to live and make use of what they have, and what the Soviet Union is willing to give to them.

 

_What are we even trying to live for?_

_What are we fighting for?_

_What are we even bargaining for?_

  


It will all make sense for Valery Legasov when Boris Shcherbina kisses him, full of passion and desire, the smell of vodka, cigarettes, and the radiation, permeating the air.

 

And when he feels Boris thrusting deep inside him, _deeper, harder,_ Valery understood more than ever.

 

Both of them are bargaining for  _this._

 

Maybe, if they can fix Chernobyl, they can keep  _this._

  


**Depression**

 

Ulana Khomyuk is only doing her job. Ulana is only doing what needs to be done.

 

What she does not know, is what it will do to Valery.

 

Boris is seething in anger, yet he knows Valery will soon choose what is right, even if fear is the initial thing that has crept inside his mind.

 

_His beautiful, mystical mind._

 

Boris wants to know more about that mind. He just wants to know how it ticks, and turns, how Valery manages to rattle off facts they needed to know, how he handles all the information and numbers needed in their day-to-day duties at Chernobyl. He wonders what Valery thinks of when they are alone, when they can finally exchange more than looks and quick brushes of fingertips behind their jackets or under the table. He wants to know what is going on in Valery’s mind when they finally kiss, when he’s inside him, both of them trying to keep quiet by swallowing each other’s moans with their lips.

 

Boris just wants to _know._

 

But now, he can Valery slipping away.

 

Ulana walked out of the building, her black form a stark contrast to all those whiteness of the outside world.

 

Boris turned to see Valery against the wall, breathing deeply, as if he was running out of air, and Boris is the only one who can give it back to him. Slowly, he walked to him.

 

“I don’t, Boris. I can’t.”

 

“You’ll do what must be done, Valera. I am here no matter what happens. I will stay. I’ll always will.”

 

Valery faced him, his eyes wet with unshed tears.

Boris can feel his own leaking in the corners, begging to be free. He desperately tried to keep it in.

 

The world, _this world,_ turned these two men into something else.

They are now far from what they were back then. Angry, defiant, determined men, now, they are just two men, crushed by the weight of reality they are living in.

 

Back then, they don’t have much to lose.

 

It’s a different story now.

Boris kissed Valery Legasov that day, and, for the first time, he tasted Valery’s tears, and he knows that he can taste his too.

  


**Acceptance**

 

_“I’m an inconsequential man, Valera. That’s how I’ve always been.”_

_“For god’s sake, Boris. You were the one who mattered the most.”_

 

_“Let him finish!”_

 

_“And that is how and RBMK reactor explodes. Lies.”_

 

_“You are not brave. You are not heroic. You’re just a dying man who forgot himself.”_

  
  


When Valery was put into the cold, sterile room, did he realize that, this is how it all ends. _This is me, this what happens to me for telling the truth._

 

_“You will not meet or communicate with either one of them ever again. You will not communicate with anyone about Chernobyl ever again.”_

 

Valery didn’t think it will all be possible, but when he was led outside, towards a nondescript car, and meeting the eyes of Ulana, and Boris, it all came crashing down. And slowly, _painfully_ , he began to _accept._

 

They didn’t win. He didn’t win.

They both lost  _this._

 

As the car passed over them, Boris can hear Ulana choking back tears, he finally let the tears fall, he is now powerless to stop it.

He lost so much that day.

He lost Valera.

 

And he has no choice, but to _accept._

  
  
  


**1988**

 

Valery Legasov stared straight ahead, as he took his last drag of the cigarette. Then tied the rope around his neck. He never even managed to say a proper goodbye to him. Now, it’s all over.

 

_I never told him._

 

_I’m sorry. I love you, Borja._

 

The shatter of the chair hitting the hardwood floor is louder now.

  
  
  
  


**1990**

  


Boris Shcherbina lies on his deathbed.

 

_Four years,_ yet the same man is still inside his head and haunts his dreams. _Maybe now,_ they’ll find peace. _Maybe, I can finally see him again._

 

He closes his eyes, and imagines Valery’s face looking down on him, reaching for his hand.

 

_I love you, Valera. You’ve always mattered._

 

Everything went dark.

 

The world was never the same again.

  
  


_Made it through the maze to find my one in a million._

_Now you’re just a page torn from the story I’m living._

 

_And all I gave you is gone_

_Tumbled like it was stone_

_Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn’t shake_

_Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made_

_Thought we built a dynasty heaven couldn’t break up._

 

© Dynasty, MIIA

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was born out of the idea I had while washing the dishes, about how HBO's Chernobyl somewhat kind of followed through the five stages of grief formula, and then applied it also to Valoris, hehe. 
> 
>  
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated! Tell me what you think!
> 
> I am also available to shout out abuse at Tumblr: @cocomoraine
> 
>  
> 
> Till next time! When the idea strikes again, though I truly need to take my studies seriously now, *gotta go review*


End file.
